Part 16: Snake's Revenge Part Four: Shit's Revenge

Snake's Revenge Part Four: Shit's Revenge


Last time on Snake's Revenge, Nick called to tell us that the mission was still going on.


This next part of the game is in more of the bombed-out "enemy fortress".


As we wander aimlessly through the enemy swamp, we come across a big rock. What purpose would a giant rock even serve in your base?


Equipping the power armor that we found on the train, Snake can push the giant boulder. As soon as he stops doing so, it slides back to its original position.

Why is there a giant rock on a spring in the middle of your shithole base, enemy commander?


If you push the rock all the way to the end of the path and equip the x-ray lens, you can see an accent appear on the wall that wasn't there earlier.


Here's another element back from Metal Gear: we have to use plastic explosives to blow through the walls.

Unlike Metal Gear, the explosion causes an alarm. I think this is the only major innovation that Snake's Revenge makes to the game mechanics.


Also in the middle of the enemy's shit marsh, Snake finds a POW. The POW has no information.


The x-ray lens makes walls that can be blown up flash quickly. I got this one in a transitional frame, so it just looks like the wall has no depth.


You have to blow up walls to proceed, which means alerts, which means enemies pouring into the screen and shooting Snake in tight quarters like these.

Escaping enemy attention is just another part of sneaking that the Snake's Revenge staff didn't understand.


In this room, binoculars! The most useless item from Metal Gear! Let's grab 'em!


What?


I...what?


Yeah, the binoculars have three different names. Just like in Metal Gear, they're as useless as an asshole on your elbow.


There are a bunch of rocks you need to push around here. There are no "designers" or "supervisors" or "lead" people credited on Snake's Revenge, so I think these are just a symptom of lacking guidance.


Another useless POW. For rescuing this one, Snake gets a "promotion".


In another room, a moving platform puzzle. Not offensive, but also not really in line with the concept of a "sneaking game".


This is where we want to go. If you step off the moving platforms, you die instantly.


Past the platforms, we find...some sort of alien pen? A flashlight?


Ah, it's a shotgun! Something that the sprite looks nothing like!


An M31 shotgun. Because that makes all the difference and is a useful description.

The shotgun fires three shots in a fan pattern. The only situation that you'd ever use any non-handgun weapon in is an alert situation, with enemies running at you. In narrow hallways, the two pellets on the side will go wide. In open spaces, the enemies line up pretty tightly, and the two pellets on the side will go wide.

Maybe 1 time in 1,000 you'll get more use out of the shotgun than the handgun, but if you get in 1,000 fights during the course of the game, you've fucked up pretty badly.



Back across the moving platforms!




Exploding some walls and killing some guards, Snake finds his way to this screen. The doors have ammo in them, nothing exciting.

The sandbags on the upper right, though, are important.


As you can see, they hide a hole that leads to another "underground tunnel" (sidescroller). To destroy them, you have to fire an R/C missile past the bags, then turn it around and hit the stack from behind.

You can see that, as well as the sidescroller, in action right here.

Now, I probably could have gone through this bit over and over until I got a clinically perfect run, but that's not how Snake's Revenge plays.


After the bog-standard sidescrolling, a bog-standard elevator. It really must be a whore and a half for enemy personnel to get anywhere if the base is laid out like this.



More rocks and basic stupid crap, and then we get a call!


This is Jennifer calling, by the way. The way you find this out? Look in the manual.


Her name is Jennifer X because she is so extreme. She is also described as being the commandos' "foxy friend". That hint at the end of her bio, by the way? Completely useless. Also, it doesn't really make sense. I thought her codename was Jennifer.

You know what? Here's a hint of my own: Snake's Revenge is a piece of shit.


In another room, we find landmines.


Landmines are landmines. Put them on the ground, enemies walk on them, the mines explode and the enemies die. I guess the surprise is the "death" part.


Also, we now have all the weapons in the game. There are eight as opposed to Metal Gear's 7. I never actually found a use for the shotgun or the claymores.



There's another moving platform section here. For some reason, the interiors of the buildings here, which should stand out as the best parts, are replaced with this foolery.

Snake's Revenge, ladies and gentlemen.


Can you guess what's behind/under these sandbags?

The answer: a sidescroller!

Thinking about it, I'm pretty certain that the layout guys just couldn't think of any way to tie the portions of the game together, so they slapped in the sidescrolling.


Anyway, it's elevator time.


Behind this door is some of the worst game design I've ever seen.


At first, a simple bridge. There's a problem, though: the bridge is being fired on.


By a tank!

Do you remember the tank from Metal Gear? It was the worst boss. Slow and predictable, with a lot of health and dangerous attacks.

This is the video of this tank, before I talk about it.

This tank? This tank is absolutely the worst fucking thing. It has two ways to hurt you: it can run you over, which kills you instantly, and it can shoot you, which kills you instantly. The only way you can escape the first threat while staying in attack range is by ducking into the cutouts on the side of the bridge. The tank's shots don't come in a pattern, though, so when you dodge out of the way, you're in a tiny area that's perfect for getting shot.

On top of all this, you have to advance to the second screen to really start the tank fight. The tank, however, can be anywhere on the second screen, including right at the bottom. So, if you're unlucky, you can walk onto the second screen and die instantly.

The way to fight the tank is to plant landmines on the bridge and wait for the tank to run them over. It takes something like eighteen mines to do this. If you plant a mine and leave the screen or open your menu, the mine disappears. So you're stuck on the one screen, essentially. And the tank can kill you at the drop of a hat. I was killed well north of a hundred times fighting this tank.

Jesus Christ, what a pile of shit.


Past that piece of shit is a door.


The door leads to...an incredibly ugly building. Which is where I'm drawing the line on this update.